


Stay High

by LightLeadingMe



Category: Will & Grace
Genre: Complicated Relationships, F/M, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-13 01:27:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15353199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightLeadingMe/pseuds/LightLeadingMe
Summary: Song fic series based off of Tove Lo's album "Queen of the Clouds".





	1. My Gun

Their bodies moved together perfectly, his hands on her hips, her arms around his neck. Sweat formed on their heated bodies and he reached between them to yank open his shirt, buttons flying in every which direction. She ran her fingers down his chest and he grabbed her ass in his hands, squeezing it roughly. Lights danced along with them, the crowd around them fading in the background. When the song ended they stumbled to the bar, downing shot after shot. She turned her body to him and put her hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down to her lips. Their mouths fused together, their tongues tangled, tasting of alcohol. They felt elated, happy, horny, and wasted.  
  
_Heads turn, your body burn rip off your clothes for me_  
_Make out, last shot, keep dancing naked feeling free_  
_That's my gun, that's my gun, that's my gun_  
  
Morning came, blinding light shining through the large windows and causing them both to groan. She turned to look at him and he at her, shock registering and screams ringing out.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
"You don't remember?" she shrieked, holding her head as it pounded.  
  
"Well, yeah, actually, I remember it all."  
  
"Then why the hell did you ask?"  
  
"I don't know, I'm kind of freaking out here!"  
  
"You're freaking out? Its 10 am and I haven't even had my morning Bailey's!"  
  
"Okay, let's just, chill out for a minute." He sighed and rubbed his eyes.  
  
_Last night you were who you prefer because of me_  
_Wake up messed up but you're still happy as can be_  
  
"Do you... do you regret what happened?" she asked timidly.  
  
He looked over at her and didn't even try to hide his smile. "Not at all..."  
  
_That's my gun, that's my gun, that's my gun_  
  
She rolled over, swinging a leg over his middle and pressed her bare chest to his. "Me neither." They shared a smirk and then their lips were together again, mutual sighs escaping.  
  
"Wait," he murmured, pulling away to look her in the eye. "While I don't regret a single thing, I do think we shouldn't do it again."  
  
_Do you think I'm easy ooh ooh_  
_Boy if you're gonna shoot me down_  
_Do it gently_  
_I'm not easy, ooh ooh_  
_But go ahead and touch me now_  
_Do it gently_  
  
She pouted, but mulled the thought over and eventually nodded her head in agreement. "You're right," she acquiesced. "We don't want to complicate things. I love our relationship." She was lying through her teeth, her heart aching with want.  
  
He eyed her, slowly nodding, and ignored the desire to take her again and again. "Me too."  
  
_You're fine, you're mine, I'm the mistake you wanna make_  
_Hey ho let's go, it's one more chance you gotta take_  
_That's my gun, that's my gun, that's my gun_  
  
_I'm ace in space and oh, I know you want to fly_  
_My tune, your moon, jump on my cloud and we go high_  
_That's my gun, that's my gun, that's my gun_  
  
She crawled off from on top of him and wrapped the sheet around herself as he stood to gather his clothes. She ran her fingers through her unruly hair and watched him dress. "You wanna stay for breakfast? Rosie makes a mean omelet."  
  
"No thanks," he smiled tightly and she immediately recognized the fakeness of it. "I think I'll grab a protein bar and hit the gym. Gotta work off this hangover." He slipped into his shoes and bent over to kiss her sweetly, both feeling the sparks, but saying nothing. "Bye Kare."  
  
He walked out the door and she sat on the bed, staring off in the distance for a long while. "Bye Poodle."  
  
_That's my gun_


	2. Talking Body

She didn't want to move for the rest of the day. Her body glistened with a thin layer of sweat, something she usually would be annoyed about, but right now she didn't care. She throbbed between her legs in the most glorious way, her chest still heaving with short breaths. Her lips vibrated with a contented hum and her eyes fell closed with exhaustion.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
She turned her head to the side and peeked one eye open to see him lying on his side, his head propped up on his hand, his elbow resting against the mattress. She licked her lips, appreciating the view of his chiseled body, also sheen with sweat. "I'm great, honey," she said. "Can't really feel my legs at the moment, but other than that, I'm fantastic."  
  
He chuckled lightly and put an arm over her stomach, his hand on her hip, and he pulled her over to him, his nose pressing against her cheek. She reached under her pillow and fumbled around a bit until she found what she was looking for and pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes.  
  
Jack raised his head when he heard the spark of the lighter and let out another little laugh. "Really?"  
  
Karen took in a deep drag off the cigarette, holding it for a moment before letting out the puff of smoke. "I'm always prepared."  
  
Jack watched her for a moment before he grabbed the cig from between her fingers, bringing it to his lips and taking a drag himself. If Karen was surprised, she didn't show it. He gave it back after a few puffs and laid his head on her shoulder, his lips pressing tiny kisses to her neck and collarbone.  
  
_Bed, stay in bed_  
_The feeling of your skin locked in my head_  
_Smoke smoke me broke_  
_I don't care, I'm down for what you want_  
_Day drunk into the night, wanna keep you here_  
_'Cause you dry my tears_  
_Yeah, summer loving and fights_  
_How it is for us, and it's all because_  
  
_Now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
_Now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
  
"Jack," she warned, feeling him pressing into her side already.  
  
"Mmm," he latched his lips to the skin of her neck and sucked hard, leaving a dark hickie.  
  
Karen gasped, cautiously reaching over to put her cigarette out in the ashtray on the bedside table. She felt his fingers dance across her skin, down to her stomach and between her legs. He dipped in easily, pumping his fingers in and out at a slow pace. A third finger joined the first two and Karen bucked her hips up, letting him slide in deeper. Jack began to bite her neck and collarbone as he pulled his fingers out, bringing them to Karen's lips. She took all three digits in her mouth, moaning around them as she tasted herself.  
  
_Love can be love_  
_Anything you want I'll give it up_  
_Lips, lips I kiss_  
_Bite me while I taste your fingertips_  
_Day drunk into the night, wanna keep you here_  
_'Cause you dry my tears_  
_Yeah, summer loving and fights_  
_How it is for us, and it's all because_  
  
_Now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
_Now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
  
He moved over her, his mouth finding hers quickly, their tongues twisting and stroking together. He settled between her legs and pressed their bodies together, his cock brushing against the engorged bump between her legs.  
  
"Please," she whispered into his mouth.  
  
Jack moaned and pushed his way inside of her gently, being mindful of her sore body. Karen parted their lips and let her head fall back on the pillow, her breathing already labored. She stared at the ceiling and bent her legs at her knees, planting her feet on the soft sheets beneath them. Jack grabbed her wrists from where they were wrapped around his neck in both hands and pushed them above her head. He laced their fingers together and moved his hips back, squeezing her hands as he pushed forward again. Karen raised her hips to meet him thrust for thrust as they moved together slowly, loving the feel of his hard body moving over hers.  
  
_Oh oh_  
  
_Bodies_  
_Oh baby make 'em bodies, we just use them for fun_  
  
"Oh, baby," she gasped. "Yes!"  
  
_Bodies_  
_Let's use 'em up 'till every little piece is gone_  
_Let's go! On and on and on_  
_Let's go! On and on (let's go)_  
  
Jack looked down at her as she writhed in pleasure. "God, you're beautiful, Kare."  
  
_Oh now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
_Ooh now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
  
Karen raised her head and captured his lips just as her orgasm overtook her body. Jack came with her, his moans vibrating into her mouth.  
  
_We're talking body_  
_Put it on me_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_  
  
"Remember a week ago when we first did this and you said it shouldn't happen again?" She looked over at him as he slid into his boxers.  
  
Jack chuckled. "I'm gonna be honest, I was totally lying."  
  
Karen sat up and got out of the bed, picking her robe up off the railing. "Obviously," she snickered. "We just fucked for like eight hours straight."  
  
"A new personal best!" Jack exclaimed.  
  
Karen raised her eyebrow deviously. "Not for me, honey." She turned her back as she stepped into her slippers, but then she was suddenly grabbed by her waist and tossed back onto the bed. "Jack!"  
  
He leaned over her and cut off her protests with his mouth, feeling her immediately melt into him. He pulled away and grinned slyly at her lust filled eyes. "Looks like I have a record to break."  
  
_Now if we're talking body_  
_You got a perfect one, so put it on me_  
_Swear it won't take you long_  
_If you love me right_  
_We fuck for life, on and on and on_


	3. Timebomb

He walked into his bedroom to find her gathering her clothes and purse, a frown forming on his lips. "Where are you going?"  
  
She glanced at him briefly, but didn't answer and slung her purse over her shoulder adjusting her recently tossed on blouse. She moved to exit the bedroom, but he stood in her way, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrow raised curiously. "Can you please move?" she asked.  
  
Detecting slight annoyance in her tone, Jack raised both eyebrows in surprise. "Are you mad at me?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "No, I just want to go home." She pushed past him and made her way out of the door, smacking the elevator button and cursing the damn thing for being too slow.  
  
Jack rushed out and grabbed her arm, turning her to face him. "Karen, what is going on? Why are you leaving?"  
  
A rush of feelings made their way into Karen's chest, pulling tightly on her heart. This was bad - she needed to leave _now_.  
  
The elevator dinged and she tore herself from his grasp, stepping into the lift and closing the doors before he had a chance to stop her.  
  
_You made your way in as I was leaving_  
_You cut in line just as I was getting my stuff_  
_And I couldn't decide if you were the most annoying human being I'd ever met_  
_Or just the best thing that ever happened_  
_Just the best thing that ever happened_  
  
She stepped out of the elevator in the lobby and walked quickly to the doors, the clacking of her heels echoing on the hardwood floor. Her limo was out front waiting for her and the rain was pouring down wildly. She didn't hesitate to step out, feeling the cold droplets hit her warm skin. She reached down to open the door of the limo, only cracking it before it was slammed shut. She whipped around to see Jack holding the car door shut, his chest heaving with labored breaths, most likely from running down the 9 flights of stairs to reach her. They stared at each other in silence, thunder roaring in the distance.  
  
"Kare," he finally rasped out. "Please just talk to me."  
  
"I'm scared." She closed her eyes, angry at herself for blurting that out. It was the truth - she was fucking terrified of what she was feeling. She and Jack had been going at it like rabbits for weeks now and she was falling for him, hard. She wanted to be with him every second, even more than before they were sleeping together. He had always been her best friend, her rock. Now it was complicated, messy, and emotionally confusing.  
  
Seeming to understand what she was admitting, Jack grabbed her hand in his, bringing it to his lips and kissing her fingers as he stared down at her. "Its okay, Karen," he told her, his blue eyes sparkling even as the dark clouds loomed overhead. "I know this is scary, but," he sighed, stepping closer to her. "I've been thinking, analyzing my feelings about our... situation..."  
  
She bit her lip, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. This could go either way and for the first time since knowing him, she couldn't read him. "Jack, look-"  
  
"Karen," he cut her off, tugging until she was flush against his chest, their wet clothes clinging to them. "You are my best friend in the whole world, the first woman besides my mother and Cher that I've ever said 'I love you' to... And when I'm with you..." he leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers, gazing deep into her eyes. "I feel like my puzzle is complete."  
  
Her breath caught in her throat, the shock evident on her face. She didn't know what to say, all words flying out the window at his confession. Yet, she was hesitant, still frightened of getting her heart broken in the long run. At this moment though, she threw caution to the wind and closed the distance between them, pushing her lips to his with desperation.  
  
_You took the key out of the ignition_  
_I could hear the rain on the windows_  
_Right then and there I made up my mind to just go with it_  
_Thinking what's the worst thing that could happen?_  
_When the worst thing that could happen, could be the best thing ever_  
  
They stumbled back into the apartment, their lips never parting. Their clothes fell to the floor in damp heaps, goosebumps rising on their skin as cool air hit their sensitive flesh. Karen tried to ignore the butterflies fluttering in her stomach as he kissed her, his hands claiming, caressing and loving her body. She needed to be objective about this still, but it was proving difficult with each passing second.  
  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
  
She felt his tongue tracing her ear, his hand between her legs, fingers pumping, and she cried out, bending her knees and holding on to the couch.  
  
_You and I could be the best thing ever_  
_We're not happy ever after_  
_We don't got what it takes_  
_And we don't make plans_  
_'Cause we're never gonna last_  
  
Doubts plagued her mind, heartbreak inevitable in the future. This wasn't right, but she didn't want to stop.  
  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_You and I, we're a time_  
_Bomb bomb bomb bomb_  
_Bomb bomb bomb bomb_  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_You and I, we're a timebomb_  
  
He bent her over, yanking his drenched hand from between her legs as she gushed onto the floor with a scream, her thighs shaking. He didn't give her any time to recover, pushing his cock deep inside her from behind and thrusting rapidly.  
  
Karen had never felt such pleasure, unsure of whether it was from the great sex or her incessant feelings from being with Jack in the way she always dreamed.  
  
This should have never gone past the one night stand, but as another orgasm grappled her body, Karen quit caring.  
  
_I shut the door and never looked back_  
_When something this good comes along_  
_You're better off letting the first time be the last time_  
_But really, what's the worst thing that could happen_  
_When the worst thing that could happen, could be the best thing ever_  
  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_You and I, we're a time_  
_Bomb bomb bomb bomb_  
_Bomb bomb bomb bomb_  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_You and I, we're a timebomb_  
  
"Oh sssshit!" Jack exclaimed, his hand gripping her hips, pulling her back on to him as he pushed forward. "So amazing, Kare. So-ugh! So good!"  
  
"Jack!" she screamed, a third orgasm just out of reach. "Oh fuck! I'm so close, please!"  
  
He reached down and grabbed the hair on the back of her head and pulled, tilting his hips up to hit a new depth inside her.  
  
_Ooh, we could be the best thing ever_  
  
"YES! SHIT! JAAAAACK!"  
  
_Oh we, could be (We could be the best thing ever)_  
  
He stayed inside of her for a moment, his finger stroking her spine gently while she still shuddered against him. "I love you, Kare..."

She didn't say anything in return.

 _The best, thing, ever (We could be the best thing ever)_  
  
When she felt like she could take a step without collapsing to the floor, Karen stood up fully and made her way to the bathroom.  
  
"Hey, wait," Jack reached out, pulling himself up as well, his breathing still shallow.  
  
"Jack, I need a shower," she told him, but he still grabbed her around her waist and looked into her eyes.  
  
"About what I said earlier," he began, but she held her hand up to stop his explanation.  
  
"Don't, honey..." She stepped out of his embrace and gave him a small smile. "I'll be out in a few minutes, okay?" She didn't give him a chance to respond, closing the door before he could even open his mouth. She turned on the shower and got under the cold stream, trying to snap herself out of it. She knew a quick fix that would help her forget all her emotions, but for the first time in her adult life, Karen Walker did not want to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  
  
And it was in that moment that she knew she was head over heels in love with Jack, her gay best friend.  
  
An unexpected sob sounded from her throat and she sunk down to the shower floor, her body overwhelmed with emotion.  
  
This was not going to end well for either of them.  
  
_Ooh, forever (We could be the best thing ever)_  
_Oh we, could be, the best_  
_We're a time bomb_  
_Bomb bomb bomb bomb_  
_Bomb bomb bomb bomb_  
_We're not forever_  
_You're not the one_  
_You and I, we're a timebomb_


	4. Not On Drugs/The Way That I Am/Over

"I have to go to work."

"Noooo!"

She giggled and sat up, keeping the sheets to her chest, running a hand through her unruly hair. "Sorry, Poodle," she sighed. "Mama's gotta make money somehow."

"You're literally wrapped in two-thousand dollar sheets."

"I know," she grinned. "Isn't it amazing?"

He sat up as well and moved around to face her, the very expensive sheets barely covering his naked body. "Don't go," he pouted. He leaned in and gave her a chaste, but teasing kiss. 

She lifted a hand and settled her palm on his cheek, feeling the scratch of his morning scruff on her soft skin and kissed him back sensually. Their lips parted and she rest her forehead on his, their eyes closed, slowly breathing together. "I have to, honey. Grace has already been asking too many questions lately." 

Jack pulled back and frowned, confused by her comment. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged, her index finger tracing his jaw line, her eyes following it. "She keeps asking why I'm not popping pills or in a drunken oblivion and it's driving me nuts," she confessed. "It's worse than when she nags me about behind high or hammered!"

"Wait," he shook his head and grabbed her hand from his face, holding it in his lap and ducking his head to get a good look at her face. "You're sober?"

_Shiny, happy, see my world in new color_

_Higher fire, fly my rocket through the universe_

 

_I'm up with the kites and I dream so blue_  
_I live in the sky, you come live here too_  
_I'm queen of the clouds, make my wish come true._  
_I sing to the night, let me sing to you_

A small smile slowly appeared on her lips and she nodded. "I feel like when I'm with you that I don't need drugs or alcohol. I don't want them." She locked her eyes on his almost looking shy. "You make me feel way better than any pill or drink ever has."

_Baby, listen please_  
_I'm not on drugs, I'm not on drugs,_  
_I'm just in love (Oh)_  
_Baby, don't you see?_  
_I'm not on drugs, I'm not on drugs,_  
_I'm just in love_  
_You're high enough for me._

Jack closed the small distance between them and kissed her again, unsure of what to say. He hoped his deep kiss conveyed his feelings and that she understood. He felt her smile against his lips and he smiled back as he kissed her harder. After a little while of making out like teenagers, they finally parted and Karen got out of the bed, bringing the sheets with her. 

"You sure you don't wanna play hookie today?" he tried again, giving her his best puppy eyes. He reached out and tugged her arm so she lost balance and she squealed, bracing her hands against the mattress on either side of his hips as his mouth caught hers again.

"Jackie," she giggled into him. "I will see you later tonight, okay?" She kissed him a few more times and then stood up, pushing his chest so he fell back against the plush comforter. 

"I'll see you promptly at eleven pm!" he told her, pointing his hand out in her general direction.

"Eleven?" she asked with a scrunch of her nose. "Why so late?"

"Will and I are going to hit some gay bars." At her stare he shrugged and rolled  his eyes. "I have to keep up appearances, too."

Karen pouted, but agreed. "Eleven, then," she winked at him. "Love you, Poodle."

He smiled warmly. "Love you too, Bear."

* * *

He felt sick, his insides twisting and churning with guilt and anguish. He fucked up. He fucked everything up. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't help himself. He couldn't just forget about who he was. He was gay, he loved men.

But he also loved Karen.

It was a stupid, drunken one night stand. It meant nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Tears welled in his eyes and he took a deep breath, trying to keep them at bay. He exited the elevator and looked at his apartment door, not knowing what awaited him on the other side. He didn't want to go in, but he knew he had to. He had to face his demons, face the truth of what happened.

He had to face her.

 _Stay out until dawn_  
_I can't go home again now_  
_After tonight_  
_Seems like I'm out of your life_  
_Apologize_  
_No, it won't make it better_  
_What can I say?_  
_It's all too late_  
  
The door clicked in the latch and he took one step before the light flipped on, startling him. She was sitting in the chair by the door, her arms crossed and her eyes dark. "K-Kare," he gasped. "What-what are you-"  
  
"Where the fuck have you been?" she snapped, standing from the chair. She had her glasses on, her face free of makeup. She wore one of his button down shirts, the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, a pair of jeans resting low on her hips, and her feet bare. She looked tired, worn down, and clearly pissed. Their eyes stayed locked, hers searching and his riddled with emotions. He could clearly pinpoint the moment when the realization of where he was all night dawned on her, settling behind her green eyes. It made his chest hurt and his throat tighten.

"I'm sorry," he whispered through trembling lips.  
  
_Walk through the door_  
_You see that I've been crying_  
_Head hanging low_  
_You say "where the fuck have you been?"_  
_Should I deny_  
_And maybe dodge this bullet_  
_You read my mind_  
_I just can't lie_  
  
It had only been a few weeks. She knew she was way too invested from the beginning, but to have it end like this? She never expected it. She never thought he could stoop so low. "Sorry," she mocked, biting her bottom lip as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Sorry for what exactly? For never coming home last night? For never even calling me to tell me you were okay? For cheating on me?"  
  
He frowned at that and felt a wave of anger start to overwhelm the guilt. "Look, I know what I did was wrong-"  
  
"Oh its beyond wrong!" she exclaimed.   
  
He narrowed his eyes and mimicked her stance. "What are you saying, Karen?"  
  
_So you're proud to be a good one_  
_But the good ones always complain_  
_About the stuff they never did_  
_Don't make a thing about the bad kind_  
_'Cause the bad kind don't even know_  
_All the hearts they are messing with_  
  
She didn't answer, her jaw set tight and her anger rising. He stepped an inch closer. "What I did was wrong, I know that. But it was bound to happen. I'm gay." The tears gathered quickly in her eyes and he saw them right away. "But I love you." He reached out again, but she still avoided his touch.  
  
_You can point fingers, so you won't_  
_I don't care, I love you anyway_  
_You can point fingers, so you won't_  
_I don't care, I love you anyway_  
  
A sob escaped and she shook her head defiantly. "No," she whispered. "No you don't."  
  
"Karen, please," he pleaded. "I do love you, but I can't deny myself either. Please understand that..."  
  
_Yeah, I'm falling in love_  
_And I hope that you want me_  
_The way that I am!_  
_Falling in love_  
_And I know I can't change me_  
_Do you understand?_  
  
"I can't understand it!" she exclaimed, tears spilling from her eyes, her face red and blotchy. "I'm in love with you, Jack! I would never betray you! Ever!"  
  
He felt his own eyes start to burn and he swallowed hard. "Karen, I- I can't..." he trailed off, unsure of what more he could say. He saw the picture more clearly now. She saw a future with them. Even though she was the one who tried to deny her feelings when this started, she still held on to hope and began dreaming of their life together. And he was ruining it.  
  
_I've been told I am the problem_  
_And the problem is my honesty_  
_When it's worst than how it seems_  
_And I tell you all the wrong things_  
_All the things you don't wanna hear_  
_'cause they change your perfect dream_  
  
"I can't believe this is happening," she finally said after a brief silence. She wiped at her eyes and let out a short, humorless laugh. "I tried to walk away from this weeks ago, but you pulled me back in."  
  
"You cannot only blame me for this," he said. "This is not a one way street."  
  
She ignored him and continued on. "I opened myself up to you, I showed you sides of myself I've never shown anyone. And you threw it all back in my face!"  
  
Now he was pissed, his nostrils flaring. "I said I was sorry-"  
  
"Let me finish!" she screamed, stunning him into silence. "Do not dismiss my feelings. I've never felt more alive than when I'm with you. You opened up a whole new world for me. I was vulnerable and for once I didn't want to put a mask on to hide myself." She sniffled and cleared her throat. "I told you that - this morning in bed! After a night of making love!"

His head was pounding. His hangover mixing with the entire conversation was hitting him all at once. He didn't know what he felt. He had never been more confused. He shook his head and walked around to sit on the couch, covering his face with his hands. "I can't do this," he confessed. "This was a mistake..."  
  
She brought a hand to her mouth, trying to stifle a loud sob.   
  
_Tell me, is this the part when_  
_When we part ways forever_  
_Tell me, is this the part when_  
_Part when we are_  
  
_O-O-O-over_  
_Wish I was, wish I was_  
_So-so-so-sober_  
_Guess we are, guess we are_  
_Fighting all this fight_  
_You're so cold without the love_  
_There is nothing left out of everything we were_  
_O-O-O-over_  
_Guess we are over_  
  
He sighed, looking up at her with bloodshot eyes. "Can you just, give me some space right now? I need to clear my head."

"I don't-" her voice broke, her bottom lip trembling in grief. "I don't want to leave. I want to work this out. I'm so unbelievably pissed, but I love you. We need to stay here and talk."

He shook his head, running a hand over his face. A part of him was screaming at him, telling him to stay and work things out, figure out exactly what was going on with them and what the future held. They had been avoiding the subject of their relationship since the beginning and this was exactly why. The other part of him was telling him to run away and be who he always thought he was, the same flamboyant gay man that he was comfortable and more than happy to be. He looked down at his feet, his shoulders slumped in defeat. "I just can't right now."

_I can tell that you know and it kills you_

_What you need me to say's gonna hurt you_  
_Wanna run, but I stay 'cause I have to_  
_Have to tell you_

_And I know that you're so gonna hate me_  
_If you did what I did, I would hate you too_  
_I would hate you too_

She slowly and quietly gathered her things, her hand shaking as she reached for the doorknob. "You said I completed you," she whispered. "And I believed you."

When the door shut behind her, Jack fell to his side on the couch and reminded himself of the past few hours. His meaningless one night stand, the guilt he felt, the betrayal in Karen's eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed a pillow from behind him, holding it tightly to his chest as he cried.

_And we are_

_Over, over_  
_Wish I was, wish I was_  
_So-so-so-sober_  
_Guess we are, guess we are_  
_Fighting all this fight_  
_You're so cold without the love_  
_There is nothing left out of everything we were_  
_O-O-O-over_  
_Guess we are over_

_guess we are over_


	5. This Time Around/Habits (Stay High) Pt. 1

She stood in front of the mirror, staring at her reflection, her face void of all emotion. Her eyes were bloodshot, dark circles surrounding the swollen area and she felt just as exhausted as she looked. She looked broken, beaten down, and more depressed than ever.   
  
Glancing down, she spotted the row of pill bottles she had lined up and the tumbler of whiskey held loosely in her hand. Her eyes began to burn and droplets of hot tears stung on her cheeks. She didn't want to feel the pain anymore. She wanted to be numb.   
  
She wanted to forget him.  
  
_I used to take your breath away_  
 _I used to make your laugh about anything_  
 _I used to be your getaway_  
 _Your getaway, your dream_  
 _I was every thing you needed_  
 _You used to lean your eyes on me_  
 _You used to open up and share your world_  
 _You used to lose yourself in me_  
 _Let the hours pass, oh, running by so fast_  
  
She had been sober and deliriously happy for weeks. And now, she stood facing her demons again, staring straight into the depths of who she was and trying, but failing to not go back.   
  
_But now, what I'm doing_  
 _Don't know, what I'm doing_  
  
She lifted the glass to her lips, the pungent scent of the liquid filling her nostrils and making her stomach churn. Her lips trembled and her hands shook uncontrollably. With a gasp she slammed the glass back down on the counter, the whiskey spilling over the sides from the harsh movement. She placed a hand to her chest and pressed her back against the wall beside the sink, sliding down onto the tile, her body and heart cold.  
  
_'Cause I don't even feel it_  
 _Bodies growing colder with the distance now_  
 _And I don't even mean it_  
 _Got my hands all over you, but not a sound_  
 _I'm always so in love, all in_  
 _Till you lost your goal, and I'm thinking_  
 _Thought you'd make me feel it_  
 _Thought that I'd be different this time around_  
 _This time around_  
  
He was her best friend, her confidant, her light at the end of the tunnel. She had been in love with him for years, loving him just as he was, but always longing for more. His touches set her body aflame, his smiles warmed her heart, his laugh, an echo of joy, danced in her ears before she fell asleep at night.   
  
And for such a short amount of time she felt like she finally had it all - she finally had him. When their bodies connected she felt like her life had just begun. He had told her she was his, that she completed his puzzle.   
  
And then he took it all from her, ripped the joy right from her hands.  
  
_We started out as lonely hearts_  
 _We started with a promise built on highs_  
 _You said I was the missing part_  
 _Looked into my eyes said_  
 _"You're my fix for life"_  
  
_But now, what I'm doing_  
 _I don't know, what I'm doing_  
  
She knew it wasn't his fault, she didn't even blame him anymore. He was right, it was bound to happen. She just wished he wouldn't have made her leave. They needed to discuss everything, they should have discussed everything from the very beginning, but they were both scared of what it would mean.   
  
She didn't want him to deny himself, she wanted him to be happy and if men made him happy then she would let him go. Her heart ached at the thought and a sob echoed in the bathroom.   
  
She just wanted him back. These past few days without him were torture. She hated feeling this way and she wanted it all to stop; she wanted the world to stop and she wanted to not feel anything anymore.  
  
_'Cause I don't even feel it_  
 _Bodies growing colder with the distance now_  
 _And I don't even mean it_  
 _Got my hands all over you, but not a sound_  
 _Oh, I'm always so in love, all in_  
 _Till you lost your goal, and I'm thinking_  
 _Thought you'd make me feel it_  
 _Thought that I'd be different this time around_  
 _This time around_  
  
She sniffled and shook her head as she slowly stood up on shaky legs. She wiped the tears from her face and stood back in front of the mirror. Taking a deep breath, she gathered the necessary pills she needed to get her to where she wanted to be and held them in her sweaty palm, her other hand once again holding the glass of alcohol.   
  
With one last glance at the mirror she tossed the pills in her mouth and drowned the tumbler in one fell swoop, letting her senses be dulled and her cold body become warm from the familiarity of her habits.   
  
_You're gone and I gotta stay_  
 _High all the time_  
 _To keep you off my mind_


	6. Habits (Stay High) Pt. 2/Thousand Miles

He felt movement on the bed, a body rising slowly, trying to sneak out quietly. He kept his eyes closed, letting the man believe he was still resting, but in reality he hadn't slept a wink.   
  
Too many days had passed, too many sleepless nights, too many meaningless flings and one night stands. He was trying to make up for lost time, trying to remember who he was and go back to what he knew. So he went to bars, found men that were interested and took them home, night after night.  
  
_Staying in my play pretend_  
 _Where the fun ain't got no end_  
 _Ooh_  
 _Can't go home alone again_  
 _Need someone to numb the pain_  
  
But no matter how hard he tried to go back to his old ways, he couldn't stop thinking of her. The feel of her skin, the sound of her laugh, the happiness she brought him. She was always on his mind, every minute. Even when he was with the men he brought home, he imagined it was her hands touching him, her lips kissing him, her words and sounds of ecstacy mingling with his.  
  
He lay there in his bed, long after the man left and stared at the ceiling fan as it spun around and around, his eyes following its every move. He wondered what she was doing, if she was thinking of him and what they used to be. He longed to have her back in his arms, to have her lips on his, her body flushed and eyes warm.  
  
_Too far away to feel you_  
 _But I can't forget your skin_  
 _Wonder what you're up to_  
 _What state of mind you're in_  
 _Are you thinking 'bout the last time_  
 _Your lips all over me_  
 _'Cause I'd play it in a rewind_  
 _Where you are I wanna be_  
  
His phone rang on the table beside him and he diverted his eyes from the fan to stare at the screen as it lit up. He didn't know who was calling, but he knew it definitely wasn't her. After everything he did, all the things he said, he didn't blame her for never wanting to speak to him again. He frowned and rubbed his eyes, sighing loudly when the ringing stopped. God, he missed her.  
  
_Wanna fly to you like birds do_  
 _Straight across the world_  
 _My body, your hands, ooh_  
 _And I'm missing every word_  
 _You are mine, yeah you say so_  
 _When you call me late nights_  
 _But I wonder how should I know_  
 _You're in love enough to fight_  
  
The longer he was away from her, the more he realized she was right; he should have made her stay so they could talk things through. Her feelings for him scared him though and ran, he ran away from her and from his own feelings.   
  
But as he lay there, his body and mind sore with longing, he realized he needed to run again. He needed to run to her.  
  
_Fading away, when you're drunk and alone_  
 _Can't see my face in your heart anymore_  
 _Telling yourself you don't feel like before_  
 _And that's when I run_  
  
_All of these thousand miles_  
 _That's when I run_  
 _All of these thousand miles_  
 _To get you back_  
 _Coming for you babe, I'm coming now_  
 _That's when I run_  
 _All of these thousand miles_  
 _To get you back_  
  
He jumped out of the bed, not even caring what time it was. He found a pair of jeans and threw them on, followed by a tshirt and his shoes. He almost tripped as he rushed out the door. His heart was racing and tears began to sting his eyes as his emotions overwhelmed him. He was going to fight for her, he was going to prove what he told her weeks ago; she completed him.   
  
_Wrapped around your fingers_  
 _Let you dive into my low_  
 _You remember all my triggers_  
 _The physical and stuff_  
 _Back and forth forever_  
 _Is it how it's gonna be?_  
 _Even when we're not together_  
 _Will you stay with me?_  
  
At this point he didn't care if she didn't want him back in that way. As long as she was in his life still. They could try to be friends again, they could talk everything out finally. He would do whatever it took to keep her with him, keep her by his side, in his heart.  
  
_Fading away, when you're drunk and alone_  
 _Can't see my face in your heart anymore_  
 _Telling yourself you don't feel like before_  
 _And that's when I run_  
  
The air was cold, the streets wet from the aftermath of the rain. It was late, only a few stray cars driving by as he ran on the sidewalk. His chest was tight and he ran out of breath, his vision blurred by his tears, but he kept going. He wouldn't stop running until she was in his arms again, until he had her love back.   
  
_All of these thousand miles_  
 _That's when I run_  
 _All of these thousand miles_  
 _To get you back_  
 _Coming for you babe, I'm coming now_  
 _That's when I run_  
 _All of these thousand miles_  
 _To get you back_  
  
He finally came to a halt, his hands on his knees while he tried to get some air into his lungs again. He felt exhilarated, never mind the miles he just ran. He wiped the sweat from his face as well as the tears under his eyes and tried to gather himself together. After a moment he stood up fully and raised his hand, rapping on the door three times. He knew it was late, but as the minutes passed on and the door went unanswered he grew antsy and nervous, shuffling on his feet uncomfortably.  
  
_All of these, all of these thousand miles,_  
 _All of these thousand miles_  
 _All of these, all of these thousand miles_  
 _To get you back_  
 _All of these, all of these thousand miles_  
  
Finally, the door opened he gasped, his body involuntarily shivering at the sight before him.


	7. Love Ballad

The stares were blank, hearts racing, minds going miles a minute. His face felt hot, the tears behind his eyes still present, the dim blue lightening back up again at the sight of her. She looked gorgeous in her night gown, the robe on her shoulders open and hanging loose on her body. There was a bottle of Jack Daniel's in her hand and he frowned at that, kicking himself for doing that to her. He wanted to rush to her, take her in his arms and never let go, but he knew it wasn't possible right now; they needed to talk. 

She straightened herself up and reached behind her blindly to set the bottle of whiskey on the table hiding beside the door. Her throat cleared and her arms crossed over her chest, her gaze now set on the floor between them. "It's late," she commented, her voice meek and void of emotion.

He flinched and fiddled with his shirt, biting his lips nervously. "I'm sorry if I woke you." She didn't offer a response or a even a glance in his direction so he stepped inside and closed the door quietly behind him. He opened his mouth several times, but no words would come forth. He didn't know what to say or what to do; how was she to forgive him when he messed up so badly?

 _Chop off my hands Chop off my feet_  
_I'd do it for you_  
_Ain't love sweet?_

"You've been drinking." That made her head snap up quickly and he gulped, wishing he said nothing at all. But there wasn't anger in her eyes, or even sadness. The lack of any emotion made him feel even worse,.

"It's been a rough couple of weeks."

He nodded in agreement and his hands twitched at his sides, longing to touch her. "I-I want to tell you something, to talk with you, about everything that happened, but I also want you to know that if you don't want me here, or to see me at all, then I'll leave." He stared at her and she stared right back. "But I really think we should talk."

 _Jump off a cliff_  
_I'd give you my last spliff_  
_I'd do it for you_  
_Ain't love sweet?_

She took a small step back and regarded him for a moment, taking in what he said and observing his body language to determine if she could trust him again. She already knew she was willing to forgive him, but she was still uneasy about how they would end up, if their relationship, any semblance of it at all, was over or not. With a slight, almost nonexistent nod of her head she accepted him in and turned to lead him to the den so they could sit down comfortably.

He stared at the spot where she stood for a moment before he realized she agreed and he quickly picked up the pace to follow her to a couch in the dimly lit room. A fireplace sat in the corner and the walls were filled with books, although he knew this wasn't the library. It was Karen's favorite room in the whole house, a place she went to escape and forget the world. She would turn down the lights, curl up on the couch or in a chair and read for hours until someone or something interrupted her oasis and she would have to return to the land of reality. It was a brief return, though; her alcohol and pills would be sure of that. 

She sat on one end of the couch and brought her knees to her chest, her eyes locked on the coffee table in front of them and he sat on the opposite side, his hands idle in his lap and his feet crossed at the ankles. They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, the air thick with undefinable tension. He wanted, no, _needed_ to pour his heart out to her, but he felt his worlds would fall flat.

 _Stab my heart, bleeding out_  
_If you feel doubt about me loving you_  
_'Cause, oh, I do_

Love. He loved her. It was undeniable; it was real. He just needed to express how he felt, express how he desired her and only her, he needed to show her. He stood from the couch and moved to the coffee table, sitting down on top of his dark stained oak and rest his elbows on his knees so he could gaze in her eyes. "I want to start out by saying that I love you. I have always loved you. I meant it the first time I said it in Grace's office when you thought you were pregnant and I mean it now. Nothing that ever happens between us will ever change the fact that I love you."

 _Pour gasoline on me_  
_Oh, yes I burn slowly_  
_So that you feel that I am for real_

"And I want you to know that when we started," he gestured blankly, momentarily at a loss of what defined their relationship, "what ever it was we started, that I meant what I said then, too. You do complete me, Karen."

She bit her lip, feeling it begin to tremble and refrained from saying anything, knowing he needed to say his piece before she jumped in on hers.

"I got scared," he admitted with a sigh and an indignant shake of his head. "What we had together was amazing, but it was foreign to me. I had never felt something so intense, so real... And then one night someone hit on me and the familiarity of who I was came rushing back. It was comforting, but not in the way being with you was comforting. Does that make any sense?"

She smiled slowly and nodded her head in understanding, urging him to continue.

"I realized, after these terrible weeks of going back to my old habits, that I didn't want that life anymore. I was trying to erase you, but every second I would just miss you more and more."

"But I don't want you to lose yourself," she finally spoke, setting her feet on the ground so their knees touched. "I couldn't live with myself if you aren't living your truth, the way you always have."

He grinned and reached a tentative hand out, resting it on her bare knee, a tingle going through his body at the feel of her skin beneath his hand once again. "Karen, I have never been anybody else except for myself when I am with you." His heart leapt in his chest when she rest her hand upon his. 

"But don't you feel like you'd be giving up your life?" she asked quietly. 

"You mean the life of dating around, looking for my perfect companion?" At her nod he let out a small huff of laughter. "It's not much of a life when I've already found everything I've been looking for in you."

 _'Cause this is my one true sacrifice_  
_It never gets old_  
_No need for you to roll the dice_  
_I am the one to hold_  
_'Cause this is my one true sacrifice_  
_It never gets old_  
_No need for you to roll the dice_

She looked conflicted, her jaw set tight and her eyes withholding and dark. "I tried to forget you too," she whispered. "I began drinking and getting high again." Tears fell from her eyes and dropped down her chin. He quickly reached forward and brushed them away with a soft touch his hand. She locked her gaze on his eyes, her bottom lip trembling with emotion. "I'm so scared, Jack. I want you in my life in so many ways, but there's a part of me that always going to wonder if you'll leave me. And I'm not sure if I want to go back down that road again."

His chest felt tight, his heart strings pulled. "What are you saying?"

She took a deep breath. "I'm saying," she began, squeezing his hand beneath hers as it still resided on her knee. "That maybe we should go back to how we were before. At least just for now. Go back to just being Jack and Karen."

 _Getting in fights if you say it's right_  
_Shoot them all down_  
_Ain't love sweet?_

"So you don't want to be together?" he asked softly. 

"Jackie," she scoot forward so their faces were inches apart. "I want you, all of you, so much, but we started this all wrong. We rushed into everything on a drunken one night stand and we buried everything so deep down inside ourselves. We need to be open, stay open, and let ourselves find our way back to each other again because I cannot take it if I lose you."

 _Breathing your air addictive, I swear_  
_I'll never leave_  
_Ain't love sweet?_

"I could never leave you," he told her honestly. "But I understand what you're saying." They shared a smile, a sense of relief flooding them both and the tension rising in the air. "Maybe one day we'll have this all figured out."

She nodded and leaned in, pressing her lips delicately to his cheek before pulling away. "One day."

_Stab my heart, bleeding out_

_If you feel doubt about me loving you_  
_'Cause, oh, I do_

_Pour gasoline on me_

_Oh, yes I burn slowly_  
_So that you'd feel that I am for real_

She stood from the couch and he looked up at her as she reached her hand down to him. He slowly grabbed her hand and stood as well, and together they walked in silence up the stairs and down the hall to her bedroom. She dropped her robe carelessly to the floor and climbed onto the bed as he divested himself of his shoes. He climbed in beside her, pressing himself against her tiny form, his arm secure around her waist and his nose taking in the amazing scent of her neck. There was still so much they had to say, so many burned bridges that needed repair, but for right now, they loved each other and needed each other, and that was enough for now.

_Cause this is my one true sacrifice_

_It never gets old_  
_No need for you to roll the dice_  
_I am the one to hold_  
_'Cause this is my one true sacrifice_  
_It never gets old_  
_No need for you to roll the dice_

_'Cause I'm the one to hold_


	8. Crave (ft. Run On Love)

The room was dark when she entered. Despite the warm summer weather outside the four walls, she felt a shiver slide down her spine, goosebumps rising on her skin and she smiled at the sight of him. His eyes were drawn to her the second she walked through the threshold. He didn't move from where he sat on the edge of the bed, letting her come to him, afraid if he dared moved that she would disappear like his many dreams.

Months had gone by. They drifted on with their lives, letting everyone think they were their normal selves, not noticing the forced smiles and the armor that now covered their hearts. They tried so hard everyday to move on, but now, as she stood in front of him, her eyes open, warm, inviting, pure... he realized then that they would never move on from this. This was where they were meant to be.

 _I'm coming up out of the dark_  
_Take out the bullets from my heart_  
_You are my favourite mistake_  
_The one I keep loving to make_

She stood in front of him and reached out with strong, determined hands, letting them settle on his shoulders. He let his hands slide up her thighs, feeling the expensive material of her clothes beneath his fingertips. When he reached her button down dress shirt he paused for the briefest moment, only continuing his journey at her assuring nod. The buttons slipped out of the holes easily, revealing her belly first. He pressed his lips to her, his eyes closed, his heart full. His hands finished the task of unbuttoning her shirt, his lips following the path as more skin was revealed.

Once the designer shirt was off her shoulders and on the floor along with her lace bra, she slipped her hands down his arms and urged him to stand. He got to his feet, towering over her and raised his arms over his head so she could pull off his tshirt. Her mouth fell to his chest, her hair tickling his skin. She felt his heart beating beneath her lips and she smiled when she realized it was beating in perfect time with hers. His hands glided up her bare back and then down again to the waist of her pants. He was becoming desperate, wanting to see her, all of her, and she realized it was exactly what she wanted too. 

 _Craving, I'm craving I crave you_  
_Waiting, I'm waiting to touch you_  
_We're never forever, I know that_  
_Still I'm coming back_

The barriers of their clothes were now behind them, their bodies just as bare as their hearts. His finger traced her jaw down to her neck, his thumb caressing the side of her throat where her pulse seemed to quicken just at his touch. He leaned down, ever so slowly, and she met him halfway, their lips connecting like it was the first time all over again. When they parted, it only took a second for them to come together again, their mouths searching and finding each other again and again. Her nails dug into his back, clinging to him like he was her only life source. 

 _Bittersweet baby_  
_Summertime save me_  
_Holiday hazy, oh baby_  
_Craving, I'm craving_  
_I crave you_

They lay side by side, her hand resting over his chest and his fingers running through her hair. Their legs tangled, their eyes stayed locked, and they spoke wordlessly, letting the love they had for each other fill up the silence. 

When it became too much, too overwhelming, their mouths found their way back together, their bodies molded, and sighs escaped. He lay over her, his lips touching all the right places, her gasps echoing as he rediscovered her body. She held him in place at times, wanting to memorize every second of their time together before letting him move on to find a new spot that brought tears to her eyes. She touched any part of him she could reach, remembering exactly how he needed to be caressed by her, only her.

 _Got my body all figured out_  
_Know what my trigger's all about_

 _Craving, I'm craving I crave you_  
_Waiting, I'm waiting to touch you_  
_We're never forever, I know that_  
_Still I'm coming back_

When he moved into her, tears fell from their eyes. He stayed still and let their bodies feel free, complete, whole. She pressed her palm to his cheek and brought his head down to hers, their eyes closing as they breathed together. When the anticipation, the build up of their love became almost unbearable, he finally began to move and she moved with him. Together, as one. They weren't being who they used to be, who everyone thought they were. They were renewed, a new leaf turned over, a promising beginning of something better, something real.

It was at their peak that they knew this would forever change them, but as they felt their pleasure begin to subside and their quaking bodies begin to tire, they also knew that they were no longer scared. 

 _Oh baby_  
_Craving, I'm craving_  
_I crave you_

Hours later, as they slept peacefully, he held her in his arms and she held him back. They were what each other needed. No more searching, no more disappointments, no more heartache. No matter the many years they knew each other - the ups, the downs, the way this all began and then ended - it still felt like they were meeting for the first time. Their true selves finally completely revealed.

They were each other's high and they didn't have to pretend anymore.

_I always go back to you_

_Together we fall_

 


End file.
